Dear BUCK:

When it comes to domestic money matters, most people turn to Suze Orman, the "internationally acclaimed personal finance expert." I like a continental flair in my personal finance expert. I may not know what the Belarusian ruble is doing, but if it means I’m paying more for Yoo-Hoo, I want my PFE to know. And, I like Suze. Right away, you can tell she has savings savvy by how she divested herself of the letter "s," dropped the letter "i," invested a "z," and still socked away enough to keep two syllables in her first name for her retirement.

Plus, she makes money selling books on how to make money. Smart cookie.

But, your dilemma has me wondering: Wouldn’t I rather learn how to get a better bang for my buck by reading an author who has made and squandered a dozen fortunes, spends all her royalties at the track, and now lives in her car? Wouldn’t I learn more from someone who’s worked her way down the ladder of success?

As for your bank, of course it penalizes you for saving. Any institution that imposes a fine when you bounce a check, hitting you up for hefty fees when you’re obviously broke, is not exactly looking out for you. My advice?

Bury your mattress in your back yard. Just don’t be foolish enough to put your money in it.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

Dear CAT:

Unusual that your boyfriend is acting like your cat. Typically, boyfriends mimic dog behavior, i.e. relieving themselves on your front lawn, fetching everything back into the house that you throw away, and rolling over on command. So, when a boyfriend adopts the same eat ‘n run aloofness more common to felines, something else is wrong. Somewhere, you’ve been remiss in training him properly.

I would start first by changing the quality, quantity and frequency of your "feeding time," if you know what I mean, and keep the treats to a minimum.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

Yes yes I I can can help help..

First, Dr. Phil would be right; you are obsessive, but he’s on channel 13. Odd number. That’s no good for you, and try not to think about it.

Also, it’s unclear whether you’re obsessed with even numbers, or have a fear of odd ones, or both. No matter. Obsession or phobia, the net effect of either is the same for both, so that should put you at ease. Two for one and all for two, either way.

You must learn to make friends with the oddities in your life. Dr. Phil would call this "habituating," which you’ll notice has 11 letters. But, relax! Add 11 letters to 13 channels and you get a safe, friendly, 24. Whew!

Now, you need to get a second job. You’ll find your comfort zone in two jobs, two bosses, two desks, two computers and two office parties. Ah … I’m only sorry it took me five paragraphs to tell you this.

Thanks for WITBONING, (nine letters, sorry, but at least I'm sorry twice) and keep me posted at least once.

Dear ROCKET:

You didn’t mention your automobile’s year, make & model, but this is a common problem with any car made in the U.S.A. between 1902 and 2008.

We might first examine why you’re finding it necessary to "accelerate rapidly." Unless you’re robbing banks or are habitually late for dialysis, this is not a good practice. It greatly reduces gas mileage, and exponentially increases your need to decelerate rapidly, especially in moose country.

And, you’re quite right about my lack of mechanical prowess. I’m most familiar with a "kah-tickbang whooshy" sound when I first get up in the morning. But, I do know that combustion engines best start and run smoothly by integrating the right amounts of gasoline, oil, prayer and cursing, depending on the weather, police cars and size of the moose.

Thanks for WITBONING, and keep me posted.

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Copyright 2008 by B. Elwin Sherman. All rights reserved.